Ragged Claws

Saturday, May 13, 2006

"Oh honey, don't worry, they killed the evil TV show." Scream. Splat. "Huh, what d'you know - it's unkillable."

So it looks like 7th Heaven will be coming back for an 11th season after all , staggering forth from the grave with worms protruding from its eye sockets and an insatiable appetite for human flesh. The show is the Little Zombie That Could, proving that nonsensical plotting, wildly inconsistent characterization, sub-Passions dialogue and dead-eyed, monotonic performances are all irrelevant as long as you cater to an underserved demographic. (Judging by the frequent spasms of product placement, that demographic eats large quantities of Campbell's soup and Oreo cookies. It's a mark of the ineptness of the show's writing staff that the reasons presented for consuming said products are far more convoluted and implausible than "they taste good" -Campbell's is an educational charity which just happens to make soup as a sideline, while Oreos when combined with milk function as a truth serum. Seriously, a truth serum. Yes. Seriously. A truth serum.)
I have to admit, though, that as a connoisseur of the craptacular I'm pleased with the renewal. (Of course, this feeling will change if Veronica Mars is left in eternal cliffhanger limbo so that the Camdens can discover yet again that those hormones sure make women do wacky things.) As implausible as it sounds, I don't believe that 7th Heaven has yet plumbed the depths it's capable of reaching. There are balrogs yet to be woken down there, and by the show's nondenominational Protestant God I want to see them arise wielding whips of fire. Can Ruthie attend a purity ball? Will the seven-year-old twin boys start "dating" a pair of twin sisters? Instead of having just one season arc focus on a character who doesn't appear onscreen (see: Mary's divorce), how about having two or three plotlines like this? Or maybe old footage could be spliced in to make it look like the characters are still hanging around - anyone up for seeing Season 9 Annie talk on the phone with Season 8 Simon? (In split-screen, of course.) Does Amanda Bynes have a less-famous sister looking to break into show business? The possibilities are endless. Lurch proudly into the future, 7th Heaven - I know you'll somehow manage to amaze us all.